


Unsteady

by Asterixa1313



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: M/M, post ch 245
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 11:02:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18259958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asterixa1313/pseuds/Asterixa1313
Summary: Eleven days He Tian had been gone, and Guan Shan felt like he was shaking apart.





	Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an older work that I never posted. Major thanks to powerandpathos for looking this over for me months ago!

Eleven days. Eleven days He Tian had been gone, and Guan Shan felt like he was shaking apart.

He felt agitated and too small in the confines of his own skin. Everything around him was amplified to an almost painful degree. He walked through the school hallways with his hands trembling in his pockets, wanting nothing more than to shove them over his ears and shut his eyes against the chattering sounds of his schoolmates. He felt unsteady on his feet and his stomach lurched. He bumped shoulders with a girl whose face he wouldn't remember and snarled at her to _watch where you're going, bitch_. Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes and Guan Shan almost offered an apology. Instead he scowled and shoved past her into the throng of students.

Exhaustion weighed heavy on his shoulders. The thought of having to finish the day feeling like _this_ became too much and he turned on his heel and walked out towards the courtyard. Headed towards the front gates he ignored the distant calls of a teacher.

He'd deal with the consequences tomorrow.

It was later on that night in his bedroom, fingering the note He Tian had written him what seemed like ages ago, when Guan Shan realized he _missed_ him. The thought alone was scary enough that he wished, just for a second, that He Tian would never come back. That he would just leave him alone. Stop bothering him. Stop making him feel things he didn't want to feel. At least with He Tian gone, Guan Shan wouldn't be burdened with the strange, tight feeling in his chest whenever He Tian was around.

But feeling the paper between his fingers, the edges starting to wear and soften, the ink beginning to fade, Guan Shan knew that wasn't what he really wanted.

Wrapping his arms around himself, he shoved his face into his pillow and willed himself not to cry.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Four days later, He Tian returned like he'd never left. A figure on his bed when Gaun Shan walked in from his shower. He had his elbows resting on his knees, head hanging low, face hidden. Guan Shan couldn't help it as his eyes traced the slope of his neck and the curve of his back. He was forced to tear his eyes away when He Tian spoke.

"Your mom let me in."

Guan Shan’s chest felt tight. His breath skittered in his lungs and his stomach hurt.

"Why did you do that?"

He Tian looked up sharply, eyes dark and piercing as they took in Guan Shan's face.

"I've done a lot of things, Guan Shan, " He Tian said dryly. " You're going to have to be more specific."  
Anger rolled like a wave through his body, and it felt familiar and grounding in its intensity.  


"Why did you help me you,  _fuck_! I didn't ask you to! You're always doing shit like this! I don't have anything to offer you!' He took a step forward, fists clenched and tremoring at his sides.  _What do you want from me_. "  


Abruptly He Tian stood up and Guan Shan took an automatic step back.  


With every step forward that He Tian took, Guan Shan took another one back until he was pressed flush against his bedroom door. He Tian was too close and Guan Shan couldn't  _breathe_.

"I don't want anything from you, Mo Guan Shan."  


It was said softly and with a firm sort of certainty. His skin smelled warm, and there was a sheen of sweat on his temples. He was distracting and Guan Shan felt like he would never breathe properly again with him standing this close.  


He Tian’s words almost didn't register, and Guan Shan forced himself to look up into He Tian's gaze. He wanted to believe that what He Tian said was true, but it was hard. There were always strings and things owed. Nothing was free, and he had known that for a long fucking time.  


It was difficult, especially in the beginning, for Guan Shan to determine what was said with the sole purpose of getting a rise and what was truth. Lately, though, everything He Tian said seemed genuine. Every brush of skin, absent of provocation, seemed honest.  


In the beginning Guan Shan had thought, with a certain amount of petulance, that everything He Tian said was meant as a challenge. That everything to him was a game. That people were things made to be molded and shaped into whatever He Tian wanted them to be.

Guan Shan was starting to realize, with startling clarity, that he really didn't know He Tian at all.  


But looking at him now, the softness of his eyes, the loose, almost easy upturns of the corners of his mouth, Guan Shan knew that there was no hidden meaning. Nothing to be searched for and found.  


Guan Shan swallowed around the sudden thickness in his throat; heard his throat click around the dryness of it. Knew that He Tian had heard it too.  


Reaching out with trembling fingers, he gripped the hem of He Tian's t-shirt and tugged slightly. 

A question:  _ Can I? _

A beat of silence, and He Tian's arms were around him like a vice, pulling Guan Shan flush against his chest. Guan Shan gripped back just as hard.

He pressed his face into the crook of He Tian's neck and he could feel the unsteady beat of his pulse. The realization that He Tian was just as nervous as he was hit him like a bullet and he tightened his hold; he fisted the black t-shirt between his fingers and pulled him impossibly closer.  


"Thank you," he breathed against the collar of He Tian’s shirt, the seam catching on his bottom lip.  


A tremulous murmer into Guan Shan’s hair, "You're welcome "  


 


End file.
